I Will Always Protect You (おれはいつもおまえをまもるだよ)
by Mononoke-hime x sukai kurora
Summary: "It was supposed to be my burden, my own. I was supposed to be carrying this burden…not Armin. I was the one who was supposed to protect."


_I Will Always Protect You_

Armin was crying. Mikasa's face said as much. He could see her dark beautiful eyes watching him, revealing nothing of the contempt or of the pity she perhaps felt for him. Jean looked away. No one had spoken since the shot was fired. Even Levi-_heichō_ was silent. Jean wondered if Mikasa believed that he should comfort Armin. Although no one said it out loud in front of Eren, the remaining Survey Corps members saw that Jean was closest to Armin. Jean remembered of how Armin had not said anything to him since he had killed that girl. He hadn't even looked at him. His blue eyes had only looked ahead, and now, Jean supposed, that his eyes were now squeezed shut to lock out the memory of losing a part of his humanity.

What had Armin said to him? That was the first time Jean had felt their bond grow. He started to feel deep respect for the blond Survey Corps member. Jean trusted him…even more than Levi-_heichō_. Armin had saved his life three times now. The first time was when Armin had distracted Annie enough to allow him to escape from the clutches of the death. Armin had risked his life to lift Jean's unconscious form and protected him after colliding with the ground after being hit with an eight meter Titan; even though death had been in plain sight, Armin had still managed to protect Jean as Titans surrounded them.

_He could have abandoned me, but no. Armin had to be a damn hero. _Armin had sacrificed his humanity for him, killing that girl. Her death was ingrained in his mind. She just looked so _surprised_, and her eyes bore into his own even as her body fell off the wagon. Jean couldn't stop shaking for a while. _Damn it!_ Jean punched the stall in front of him, ignoring the pain that spread through his fingers and hand as he closed his eyes in anger and disappointment. _That time...after that time, I told myself that _I _was supposed to protect him. _

After saving his life, _again_, Jean had vowed that the next time, he would be the one to protect Armin. He wanted to tell Armin that so many times…but he hadn't said anything. He hadn't even said thank you. Armin didn't seem to care. He seemed simply happy with the fact that Jean was alive. The taller Survey Corps member flashbacked to when he had almost made the decision to leave Armin behind during the fifty-seventh expedition.

Armin had been weak with a concussion, and Jean wasn't certain what to do. Even though he hadn't really known him for even an hour, Jean knew that Armin would rather be dead than to be a burden. Looking back at it now, Jean knew that he wouldn't have been able to abandon Armin. And if their roles that been refused, Armin would have been adamant at not leaving anyone behind. He could imagine his voice now. Jean wondered if he would have been able to leave Armin to the Titans if the blond Survey Corps member had been almost landed on by an eight meter Titan. _No, _he thought immediately. _I could…never leave him._

Jean clenched his fists so hard they hurt. _I'm sorry, Armin. I'm not strong like you. _The pressure to his palms faded, and he held in face in his hands. _I…thought of myself as strong, but…I couldn't even shoot at the girl who had almost killed you! _Silver tears flowed down his face, and Jean had to hold his breath to not scream. _I told myself that I would protect you the next time, and I failed at that. I'm sorry. I'm a failure._

He thought of the last person he had been unable to protect. _Marco… _ Marco had died alone and afraid. Jean hadn't even been able to hold his hand when he died. But somehow…Armin was different. At the thought of Armin not being there with him, patiently listening to him and to every word he said, and hearing his peal of laughter and the smile that was Jean's favorite part about him, Jean's breathing stopped. It felt as if there was a sharp object in his throat, making it impossible for him to breathe. Armin understood Jean like no one else did. He was the only true friend he had, a person that he shared his dreams and laughter with. At the memory of Armin's beautiful laughter in his ears, Jean felt his breath hitched. _I couldn't live without out him. If he died…I wouldn't know what to do with myself._

Jean wondered if Armin felt the same way about him. He _had_ killed to save him, but would it have felt like his world had died if Jean was no longer in it? _I'm afraid to kill, _Jean thought, _but I'm even more afraid of losing Armin more. _Jean took a shuddering breath, listening to his thudding heart. Tears were continuing to stream down his face, and Jean felt dark fear take hold of him as he thought of not being strong enough to protect someone he loved. Suddenly the tall man felt a hand on his shoulder, and through his swollen eyes, he saw Mikasa observing him with empathetic eyes.

"It's okay, Jean."

"I…" Jean swallowed thick mucus, aware of how his voice trembled with emotion. "I…love him." His eyes squeezed shut. "I realize that now. But…I couldn't even protect him. It was supposed to be my burden, _my_ own. I was supposed to be carrying this burden…not Armin. _I_ was the one who was supposed to protect."

"Are you willing to shoot if it means Armin is safe?" Jean looked forward and saw Levi-_heichō _speaking to him. His gray eyes conveyed no emotion, but Jean was sure that he saw no judgment in him.

"Yes," Jean breathed.

"Then you will protect him." As the comforting words were spoken to him, Jean heard the barn door creak open. Armin was standing there with a guilt-ridden expression, his eyes not meeting Jean's for a moment. Then they met, and Jean saw all the sorrow and pain and guilt that Armin had. The taller man was certain that Armin knew too of the emotions were felt. No words were needed. Armin slowly sat down beside him, and smiled thinly at him. He took his larger hand in his own. _I'm here, _he seemed to be saying. Jean swallowed the tears wanting to escape from his eyes as a rush of love for this boy – no, man – overwhelmed him. _I promise, Armin. I will…promise you that from now own, I will always protect you._

_ Ore wa itsumo omae o mamoru da yo. _


End file.
